I think there are three different costs associated with ownership.
The first is the cost of purchase. This includes not only the dollar cost of the item, but also the cost of time to find the item and also the cost of transportation to go get the item and to bring it back home.
The second is the cost of storage. If it is a big item, you may need to rent a place to keep it (like a boat). But even if it is a small item that goes in your house, there are still costs involved. Each bit of space in your house has value and can only be filled once. If the space is filled with one thing, it cannot hold something else. So there are opportunity costs involved in keeping things inside your house.
The third is the cost of using an item. The cost of using an item has two components. The pleasure of using something to meet our needs: Pleasure comes from how well (beautifully) our needs are met. And deducted from that pleasure is the cost to care for the item. Items are designed to be easy to care for (wash and wear clothes) so that the cost to care for an item does not cause a significant reduction to the pleasuure of using the item. Hopefully, the balance between the positive cost to use and the negative cost to care for yields a positive result which, over time, balances out the costs of purchase and storage before the item wears out or looses its usefullness.
Sadly, there are times when we make a mistake in our purchases and buy something that is too small or in some other way does not meet our needs. Sometimes, we purchase something with a low purchase price because we are unsure of how well it will meet our needs. However, it still has the same cost to find, store and maintain. And sometimes, the purchase price is less because the maintence costs are high.
Or possibly our needs or tastes change. In that case, maybe it is no longer pleasant to use an item. Admitting that you no longer find joy in using an item is the first step to making space for an item you may find more joy in using.
I have noticed that sometimes people do not take ownership of their stuff. They do not take care of it. They act like it is not theirs. I believe this is more likely to happen if they were not involved in paying the other costs. If they did not pick out the item, or pay for it, and worse, if the item does not fit or bring pleasure in it's use, they never take ownership of it. This happens alot with gifts. Either the gift is not accepted (or is returned) or it lays around and no one does anything with it.
I think we should analyze the cost of owning our stuff. Too often the stuff that is put away in our closets and storage sheds has a negative balance. Maybe we seldom use the items (so there is a low positive cost of use) and they are taking valuable space that could be filled with the stuff that meets our needs. Or, maybe we keep something that has a low positive cost of use (becasue it is wearing out) simply to avoid incuring additional purchasing costs (including the time necessary to find just the right item to replace the old item).
The best thing to do with an item that is not worth the costs of ownership is to get rid of it. If it is truely worn out, then we can put it in the trash (but remember, there is also a cost to dispose of something). Otherwise, if something is still useful, then we should make it available to someone who will cover the costs of using it. But probably not as a gift unless they are willing to pay some of the the purchasing costs through either money or effort.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Family, Friends and Associates
The people in our lives seem to fit into these three categories. There are also those who we don't like at all (our enemies) we stay away from and therefore they are not in our lives.
Family: The people who have to accept us, and should love us. They consist of the people who we live with and the collection of people who we used to live with and others who the people who live with us now used to live with. We have no influence on who is family. We often don't even have much in common with our family. Why is that? What we have with family is "History".
Associates: Usually the people who work with us or go to school and church with us. We have a little influence on who our associates are, because we can choose where we work and live, and they have made similar choices. Making similar choices displays that we have some things in common with our associates. But, like our family, our association is not by direct choice, only circumstance.
Friends: A friend does not become a friend unless either we or they make a choice to become a friend.
How do we make friends? We must show interest in an acquaintance for them to become a friend. We must choose to go and talk to them or call them on the phone. We must do it repeatedly for the friendship to grow. We must share ourselves honestly. We must care enough to remember them and the things they have shared with us.
Some people make friends instinctively. Some people feel lost without a friend.
My life has been blessed by a few friends. I have to admit that it was because they made the choice to be a good friend. Making a new friend is not one of my talents. In elementary school, Lisa T. was my best friend. She always called me to see if I could play. I had a group of good friends in Junior high and high school. They included Debbie B. and Yvonne D. I haven't done what I should to maintain these friendships, but when, after many years, I have had a chance to talk to them, I know that they are still true friends.
In Arizona, Lanae K. was my friend. She did the work necessary to build a friendship. She taught me to bake bread and make freezer jam and frozen corn. But mostly she set an example of how to be a good friend. Even now, she remembers my birthday and contacts me. Now Judy W. is the one who calls me and shares her life with me.
I saw this saying on the bottom of an e-mail:
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
It made me think of my friends. I realized that even though I do not do my part in
building or maintaining a friendship, they are still a very important part of my life.
Thanks for being a friend to me even though I'm not easy to be friends with.
Family: The people who have to accept us, and should love us. They consist of the people who we live with and the collection of people who we used to live with and others who the people who live with us now used to live with. We have no influence on who is family. We often don't even have much in common with our family. Why is that? What we have with family is "History".
Associates: Usually the people who work with us or go to school and church with us. We have a little influence on who our associates are, because we can choose where we work and live, and they have made similar choices. Making similar choices displays that we have some things in common with our associates. But, like our family, our association is not by direct choice, only circumstance.
Friends: A friend does not become a friend unless either we or they make a choice to become a friend.
How do we make friends? We must show interest in an acquaintance for them to become a friend. We must choose to go and talk to them or call them on the phone. We must do it repeatedly for the friendship to grow. We must share ourselves honestly. We must care enough to remember them and the things they have shared with us.
Some people make friends instinctively. Some people feel lost without a friend.
My life has been blessed by a few friends. I have to admit that it was because they made the choice to be a good friend. Making a new friend is not one of my talents. In elementary school, Lisa T. was my best friend. She always called me to see if I could play. I had a group of good friends in Junior high and high school. They included Debbie B. and Yvonne D. I haven't done what I should to maintain these friendships, but when, after many years, I have had a chance to talk to them, I know that they are still true friends.
In Arizona, Lanae K. was my friend. She did the work necessary to build a friendship. She taught me to bake bread and make freezer jam and frozen corn. But mostly she set an example of how to be a good friend. Even now, she remembers my birthday and contacts me. Now Judy W. is the one who calls me and shares her life with me.
I saw this saying on the bottom of an e-mail:
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
It made me think of my friends. I realized that even though I do not do my part in
building or maintaining a friendship, they are still a very important part of my life.
Thanks for being a friend to me even though I'm not easy to be friends with.
The History of Exercise in My Life
Exercise is such an unfamiliar thing in my life.
In Elementary school, PE was exercise. I didn't like it. It was usually playing ball and was competitive and I could never keep track of the ball, and I could never run fast enough to win. Exercise represented frustration.
I did ride my bike on the street in front of my house. Sometimes, to add interest to the endless circles in front of the 3 adjacent houses where the road was flat, I would put small rocks on the road and try to weave the front and back tire on either side of the rock. It was an interesting skill much more than it challenged my cardiovascular system.
In Junior high, exercise was also represented by PE and I didn't like it. It was the dumb matching jumpsuits that the girls had to wear and the silly socks and the shoes that could only be used for PE. It was the idea that you had to shower off after class was done, when there was not enough time to. in public showers, when you hadn't even broken a sweat. It was standing in line at the beginning of class and shouting out "your number" (because that was all you were), to prove that you were there. And annoincing to your class mates when you had washed your dumb PE clothes.
In High school, I didn't have to take PE. I figured out how to get Marching in the Flag Corps with the Marching Band to count as PE credit. Thank goodness for no PE and no exercise I thought. I do remember my friend, Debbie, talking about stretching and sitting up on your "sit bones" (I had never heard or thought about those before).
In college, I bought my first pair of athletic shoes. For the first time, I found something that felt comfortable and I thought looked OK. But then I wanted to keep them nice. If I wore them outside, the soles would get rocks in them and get all dirty and then I couldn't wear them in the gym. So although they were comfortable, they were mostly useless. Once, I came home from college and Rick invited me to go play racquetball with him. I had never played racquetball. I didn't know what it would be like. I already knew that I couldn't keep track of balls flying through the air. I already knew that I didn't like to go places I had never been before (fear of the unknown). I also had never owned any exercise clothing. Never a pair of athletic shorts and if I had already bought the athletic shoes, they were up at college so I had nothing to wear. I couldn't go naked and I couldn't wear school clothes so I just couln't go. As he tried to encourage me to come, I resisted more and more until I was hiding behind a chair on the patio saying, "NO! I won't go!"
I fulfilled my dollege PE credit requirement by taking Israeli folk dancing when I was on study abroad, and maybe there was some credit given for all the hiking field trips that we took to all the ruins of old cities. I was glad I had successfully got out of exercising.
I once thought of walking for exercise in the early mornings in Arizona. I may have done it a half a dozen times. It was particularly hard because I decided to do it at an ungodly early hour before anyone else was up.
The only exercise I helped my kids get in Arizona was taking them to swimming lessons in the summer. That was more about learning to swim than about exercise. They may have gone to play at the park sometimes, but usually with a friend instead of with me.
When we moved to Utah, exercise became more a part of our lives. But I think I was thinking about developing the kids skills more than exercise. We (the kids) tried soccer. Marie tried one season, but she just couldn't run. She had never tried running for the first 10 years of her life. I think that you enjoy doing things that you started doing when you are young. Your body is just good at learning how to do new things when you are young. The other kids liked soccer, t-ball, gymnastics, and biking and I would go and watch.
When Marie was in high school, she courageously tried to run cross country. It was painful for me to watch her run and come in last. But I was so impressed by the whole team cheering her on as she finished her last lap. That was my first experience with the good that can come from being part of a team.
When Emily was in high school, she told me about her yoga class. She and Marie seemed to like it. She talked about "mindfulness". Now that sounded like something for me. Marie and Emily and Rick had all done quite a bit of yoga before I ever tried it.
I like yoga. There is no special clothing that is "right". I don't have to put on shorts and show my legs etc. I get to do it bare foot. Shoes have never suited me.
There are no balls to keep track of. Not only that, I am encouraged to do it with my eyes closed if I want to. I am encouraged to listen to my body and do what seems right for me. I think it is the ideal exercise because it gets my body moving strengthens my muscles and helps my flexibility. But the best thing about yoga for me is that there is No Competition.
Now, I am beginning to understand that exercise is any of the physical things that we do to help us feel good. When I try to run or do things that are too hard for me, I am punishing my body and I don't feel good. I hurt. And it is all in the name of keeping up.
I am supportive of anyone doing any physical activities that help them feel good. I realize that the reason people like to play sports is because it is fun for them and it helps them to feel good besides.
In Elementary school, PE was exercise. I didn't like it. It was usually playing ball and was competitive and I could never keep track of the ball, and I could never run fast enough to win. Exercise represented frustration.
I did ride my bike on the street in front of my house. Sometimes, to add interest to the endless circles in front of the 3 adjacent houses where the road was flat, I would put small rocks on the road and try to weave the front and back tire on either side of the rock. It was an interesting skill much more than it challenged my cardiovascular system.
In Junior high, exercise was also represented by PE and I didn't like it. It was the dumb matching jumpsuits that the girls had to wear and the silly socks and the shoes that could only be used for PE. It was the idea that you had to shower off after class was done, when there was not enough time to. in public showers, when you hadn't even broken a sweat. It was standing in line at the beginning of class and shouting out "your number" (because that was all you were), to prove that you were there. And annoincing to your class mates when you had washed your dumb PE clothes.
In High school, I didn't have to take PE. I figured out how to get Marching in the Flag Corps with the Marching Band to count as PE credit. Thank goodness for no PE and no exercise I thought. I do remember my friend, Debbie, talking about stretching and sitting up on your "sit bones" (I had never heard or thought about those before).
In college, I bought my first pair of athletic shoes. For the first time, I found something that felt comfortable and I thought looked OK. But then I wanted to keep them nice. If I wore them outside, the soles would get rocks in them and get all dirty and then I couldn't wear them in the gym. So although they were comfortable, they were mostly useless. Once, I came home from college and Rick invited me to go play racquetball with him. I had never played racquetball. I didn't know what it would be like. I already knew that I couldn't keep track of balls flying through the air. I already knew that I didn't like to go places I had never been before (fear of the unknown). I also had never owned any exercise clothing. Never a pair of athletic shorts and if I had already bought the athletic shoes, they were up at college so I had nothing to wear. I couldn't go naked and I couldn't wear school clothes so I just couln't go. As he tried to encourage me to come, I resisted more and more until I was hiding behind a chair on the patio saying, "NO! I won't go!"
I fulfilled my dollege PE credit requirement by taking Israeli folk dancing when I was on study abroad, and maybe there was some credit given for all the hiking field trips that we took to all the ruins of old cities. I was glad I had successfully got out of exercising.
I once thought of walking for exercise in the early mornings in Arizona. I may have done it a half a dozen times. It was particularly hard because I decided to do it at an ungodly early hour before anyone else was up.
The only exercise I helped my kids get in Arizona was taking them to swimming lessons in the summer. That was more about learning to swim than about exercise. They may have gone to play at the park sometimes, but usually with a friend instead of with me.
When we moved to Utah, exercise became more a part of our lives. But I think I was thinking about developing the kids skills more than exercise. We (the kids) tried soccer. Marie tried one season, but she just couldn't run. She had never tried running for the first 10 years of her life. I think that you enjoy doing things that you started doing when you are young. Your body is just good at learning how to do new things when you are young. The other kids liked soccer, t-ball, gymnastics, and biking and I would go and watch.
When Marie was in high school, she courageously tried to run cross country. It was painful for me to watch her run and come in last. But I was so impressed by the whole team cheering her on as she finished her last lap. That was my first experience with the good that can come from being part of a team.
When Emily was in high school, she told me about her yoga class. She and Marie seemed to like it. She talked about "mindfulness". Now that sounded like something for me. Marie and Emily and Rick had all done quite a bit of yoga before I ever tried it.
I like yoga. There is no special clothing that is "right". I don't have to put on shorts and show my legs etc. I get to do it bare foot. Shoes have never suited me.
There are no balls to keep track of. Not only that, I am encouraged to do it with my eyes closed if I want to. I am encouraged to listen to my body and do what seems right for me. I think it is the ideal exercise because it gets my body moving strengthens my muscles and helps my flexibility. But the best thing about yoga for me is that there is No Competition.
Now, I am beginning to understand that exercise is any of the physical things that we do to help us feel good. When I try to run or do things that are too hard for me, I am punishing my body and I don't feel good. I hurt. And it is all in the name of keeping up.
I am supportive of anyone doing any physical activities that help them feel good. I realize that the reason people like to play sports is because it is fun for them and it helps them to feel good besides.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Who's Business
You know the cliche' "Mind your own business". I have decided that it is good advice. The difficult part is knowing what is your own business and what is someone elses business. I like the song by Michael McLean "Which Part Is Mine". The words say:
She was only a dairyman's daughter,
She was only a child of thirteen,
But the Stars on the radio
Brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend, Jenny,
'Cause she thought they would make quite a pair.
She said, "lets you and me try to sing
Harmony at the amateur night at the fair."
But she only had the range of an alto,
So the part she new best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
They'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say
"Which part is mine? and Jen Which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before
So please help me learn which part is mine,
And which part is yours."
She grew up and got married to Bobby,
Kept him working on his MBA.
They had two little redheaded children
And one on the way.
Everybody said she could work wonders,
And she wondered what everyone meant,
She played so many rolls-- it was taking its toll--
And she feared that her time was misspent.
So she opened her heart to her husband
They discussed everything on her list
From the kids, to the job, to her feelings for her Bob,
But what it really boiled down to was this:
"Which part is mine? and, Bob, Which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time,
I guess I'm not sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before,
If we'll just define which part is mine,
And which part is yours."
Every sleepless night knows many mothers,
Who are wond'ringif they've done all right.
And the dairyman's daughter
Knew more than a few of those nights.
Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
To prepare them for life in this world?
So she opened her heart to the heavens,
And she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed that her kids
Would be saved had a very familiar refrain:
She said "Lets review this again.
Which part is mine, God? Which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before
But it gets so confusing sometimes.
Should I do more, or trust the Divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine
And which part is yours.
"...
It's the answer that I've been longing for!
After I've done my best
I know you'll do the rest."
I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 kinds of business. My business, someone elses business, and God's business. It is sometimes hard in close relationships to know what is my business and what is theirs. But I think I know what God's business is. He is in the business of Miracles, Tender Mercies and taking our best and making it adequate.
So while we try to figure out which part is ours and which part is not ours, we can wait on God and watch for his tender mercies and miracles in our lives.
She was only a dairyman's daughter,
She was only a child of thirteen,
But the Stars on the radio
Brightened her nights with a dream.
So she called up her best girlfriend, Jenny,
'Cause she thought they would make quite a pair.
She said, "lets you and me try to sing
Harmony at the amateur night at the fair."
But she only had the range of an alto,
So the part she new best went to her friend.
And when Jenny's soprano drowned out the piano
They'd have to start over again.
And the dairyman's daughter would then say
"Which part is mine? and Jen Which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before
So please help me learn which part is mine,
And which part is yours."
She grew up and got married to Bobby,
Kept him working on his MBA.
They had two little redheaded children
And one on the way.
Everybody said she could work wonders,
And she wondered what everyone meant,
She played so many rolls-- it was taking its toll--
And she feared that her time was misspent.
So she opened her heart to her husband
They discussed everything on her list
From the kids, to the job, to her feelings for her Bob,
But what it really boiled down to was this:
"Which part is mine? and, Bob, Which part is yours?
Let's review it one more time,
I guess I'm not sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before,
If we'll just define which part is mine,
And which part is yours."
Every sleepless night knows many mothers,
Who are wond'ringif they've done all right.
And the dairyman's daughter
Knew more than a few of those nights.
Had she given her son too much freedom?
Had she smothered her two teenage girls?
Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough
To prepare them for life in this world?
So she opened her heart to the heavens,
And she spoke of her children by name.
And the prayer that she prayed that her kids
Would be saved had a very familiar refrain:
She said "Lets review this again.
Which part is mine, God? Which part is yours?
Could you tell me one more time,
I'm never quite sure.
And I won't cross the line like I have before
But it gets so confusing sometimes.
Should I do more, or trust the Divine?
Please, just help me define which part's mine
And which part is yours.
"...
It's the answer that I've been longing for!
After I've done my best
I know you'll do the rest."
I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 kinds of business. My business, someone elses business, and God's business. It is sometimes hard in close relationships to know what is my business and what is theirs. But I think I know what God's business is. He is in the business of Miracles, Tender Mercies and taking our best and making it adequate.
So while we try to figure out which part is ours and which part is not ours, we can wait on God and watch for his tender mercies and miracles in our lives.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Homeless Guy and his Dog
A couple of months ago, I saw a homeless man and his dog standing by a freeway entrance with a sign saying he needed food. I pondered the situation as I looked at the loyal dog who was completely dependent on his master to get him food. Of course, the dog could run away and fend for himself. Or he could wait with his master and hope that the master would provide food for both of them (which is what he was doing). I wondered how valuable the dogs loyalty and companionship was to the master. What percentage of donated food would the master not eat himself and instead give to the dog? And at what point would the master just send the dog away.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Out of Opposition
Last weekend I got the stomach flu. I was not surprised because I was the fifth or sixth one in the family to get it. I knew it only lasted 24 hours and I knew I would get through it fine. When I started feeling sick, I went to bed, delegated the responsibilities for meals to other people, and knew that other household work would wait until I could get back to face it.
After my 24 hours of sleeping and not eating, I felt very weak but better than the day before. I was 3 or 4 pounds lighter than I was the day before and I had a sense that I was also better off. Out of the 24 hour hardship I had endured, had come good. My body had "burned out" germs or toxins and I felt "purified" inside.
I always knew that all things in the world have opposites. But I had not really realized that not only is good opposite of bad, it can also come from bad. I started thinking of other examples:
Immunity to chicken pox (for example) comes from having the chicken pox.
Also, opposites (neither of which are good or bad) often come from each other:
An immature baby comes from a mature mother.
A woman becomes a mother from nurturing her baby.
Tallness comes from shortness.
Fatness comes from skinniness.
Strength comes from weakness.
Morning comes from night.
Renewed energy comes from tiredness and sleep.
After some form of death, comes a rebirth.
This realization changed my acceptance of opposites in life to an appreciation of the "negative" things in life. And because of that awareness, I will more likely look for the good that comes from the bad instead of dwelling on the bad in my life.
After my 24 hours of sleeping and not eating, I felt very weak but better than the day before. I was 3 or 4 pounds lighter than I was the day before and I had a sense that I was also better off. Out of the 24 hour hardship I had endured, had come good. My body had "burned out" germs or toxins and I felt "purified" inside.
I always knew that all things in the world have opposites. But I had not really realized that not only is good opposite of bad, it can also come from bad. I started thinking of other examples:
Immunity to chicken pox (for example) comes from having the chicken pox.
Also, opposites (neither of which are good or bad) often come from each other:
An immature baby comes from a mature mother.
A woman becomes a mother from nurturing her baby.
Tallness comes from shortness.
Fatness comes from skinniness.
Strength comes from weakness.
Morning comes from night.
Renewed energy comes from tiredness and sleep.
After some form of death, comes a rebirth.
This realization changed my acceptance of opposites in life to an appreciation of the "negative" things in life. And because of that awareness, I will more likely look for the good that comes from the bad instead of dwelling on the bad in my life.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Sewing Slippers
The Young Women and Relief Society in our ward worked together to do a Humanitarian project. The Young Women cut out the items to be sewed and ladies in the Relief Society volunteered to sew the items. The Lady coordinating the volunteer sewers called and asked about how much sewing experience and skill each volunteer had because some would sew up rectangular bags, some would sew up shirts and some would sew slippers. Of course, I have plenty of experience and I can sew anything, so I got slippers to sew up.
The bag of cut fabric sat in my bedroom for a couple of weeks. Then I finally cleared off my sewing machine and decided it was time to sort through the pieces of fabric for the slippers. Another week later, the deadline was coming close. When I finally started sewing, Angela was my work partner. I probably sewed for 6 hours all together. But while I was sewing, a song came to my mind and I began to sing:
"Have I done any good in the world today, Have I helped anyone in need...." I was able to sing 2 verses and the only words I had to stop and think about were the ones that had been changed after I learned it in my childhood. It reminded me of the talk Julianna gave in Sacrament meeting about memorizing a hymn. Then a new song came to mind. This time a primary song. As I sang it, I realized I should have told it to Julianna before she gave her talk. Neither Angela nor Julianna knew this song: "If, on occasion you have found your language is in question, or ugly thoughts come to your mind, then heres a good suggestion. Just Hum your favorite Hymn, Sing out with vigor and vim, and you will find it clears your mind. Hum your favorite Hymn".
But my mind did not stop there.... and since I had so long to sew, I had plenty of time to think. I told Angela, that sewing these slippers reminded me of the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale about the Elves and the Shoemaker. Angela was not familiar with that fairy tale.
All in all, I was glad that I did the project. Even though it was a lot of work, I appreciated Angela standing by and helping me and I was happy with my finished project.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Moving On
I noticed when I went to my blog and read my last post, what a "down" feeling I had. In fact, I wanted to avoid my own blog. (Now that's bad!)
I thought of deleting that post, but I don't think I'll do that... I will just dilute it with my more positive feelings now.
I was amazed at how, once I wrote my thoughts in the blog and in the newspaper obituary's guest book, they subsided and I felt peaceful.
Now I see how cleansing and useful writing is, I am motivated to use writing more to help me sort out feelings and process them.
We checked a book out of the library called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". I have not read it, but Rick says it is good. I think that writing may be a way to put feelings to rest and not just bury them
I thought of deleting that post, but I don't think I'll do that... I will just dilute it with my more positive feelings now.
I was amazed at how, once I wrote my thoughts in the blog and in the newspaper obituary's guest book, they subsided and I felt peaceful.
Now I see how cleansing and useful writing is, I am motivated to use writing more to help me sort out feelings and process them.
We checked a book out of the library called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". I have not read it, but Rick says it is good. I think that writing may be a way to put feelings to rest and not just bury them
Monday, April 7, 2008
I've Lost Another Mother
I feel such a loss. I just learned from Alice at the Orthodontist's office that one of my Mothers passed away. I know, good things cannot last forever. And she lived a beautiful long life.
Just last evening I drove past her home. I saw someone in the window. I thought Josephine was standing at the kitchen sink. I thought about how much I love her. I didn't know that it was her daughter instead of her.
My tears won't stop. No one (not even my Dad) told me in time so I could go to her funeral which was last Friday. I must find a way to get a tape of her funeral.
Alice said that someone at her funeral called her a "Quiet Giant". I found her obituary online. The guestbook comments echo my feelings so completely.
I hope she knew how much I loved her.
Just last evening I drove past her home. I saw someone in the window. I thought Josephine was standing at the kitchen sink. I thought about how much I love her. I didn't know that it was her daughter instead of her.
My tears won't stop. No one (not even my Dad) told me in time so I could go to her funeral which was last Friday. I must find a way to get a tape of her funeral.
Alice said that someone at her funeral called her a "Quiet Giant". I found her obituary online. The guestbook comments echo my feelings so completely.
I hope she knew how much I loved her.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Set your Intention
I went to Yoga today. At the end of the class, the teacher suggested that we set our intentions for the day or week. Often at the beginning of yoga practice they suggest that we set our intention for the practice. Since today, she said it at the end of the class, I have given it more thought.
What are intentions? They are different than goals, but similar. Often, it is said, having to do with goals, "Shoot for the stars and if you miss, you may end up on the moon." Implying that the moon might be a pretty good place to be since it is still higher than where we currently are. I see intentions as different than goals. With a goal, you take aim at the beginning, put in some power and see where you end up. With intentions, you start off the same way, but as you take stock along the way, you may change directions and add more power so that you don't stop until you finally get to where you intended to go.
Examples of intentions:
When Julianna needed to wear a white top and black bottom to the band concert, and she didn't have a white shirt that she cared to wear, we set our intention to get her a white shirt she would want to wear to the band concert. When we left the house, we set a goal to go to a certain store and get a white shirt. When we got there and learned that they didn't have a white shirt she really wanted to wear, we could say that we landed on the moon (they did have white shirts, just not ones she cared to wear). However, we continued on to meet our intention. We went to another store. We did find a white top she loved to wear. While our goal was not to spend too much on the top for the band concert, the intention was to get one that she wanted to wear before the band concert that night. We had to put more money toward it than we first thought, but we met our intention. If we had tried to wait until the shirt went on sale, she would not have had it for the band concert, and we would have missed our intention.
Whenever you get into the shower, you set your intentions. If you just finished lacrosse practice and you need to be at a Solo & Ensemble performance in less than 30 minutes, you set your intentions, and you will not run out of hot water. If you have just been skiing and dinner won't be ready for 45 minutes, you might.
When Julianna asked to have her hair cut, I carefully checked out her intentions. Do you want it shorter so it will dry faster, or so it is not so heavy? Do you want to donate the hair to Locks of Love? Will you want it to go into a ponytail? Do you want to wear it curly or straight? She wanted to donate it, cut it now, and have it long enough to go into a pony tail. There wasn't much difference in the minimum length to get it into a ponytail, and the amount that had to be cut off so she could donate the hair. We carefully planned and placed her hair into small ponytails and examined it and tried pulling it back toward a ponytail, before we ever cut any hair. Due to my lack of hair cutting expertise, I ended up cutting her hair intermittantly for almost 6 hours. While I was sorry that she had to sit through that, I didn't stop until I felt we had met her intentions. And I promised that if I was wrong and we actually hadn't met her intentions, we would come back and adjust the cut more later if necessary.
So, we set our intentions daily and even hourly. But we also can set intentions for the week and the year or maybe even more. I identified 3 intentions that Rick and I set for this year. 1. Feed the Lean in our bodies. 2. Become more strong and healthy. 3. Provide a stable home for the children to come to and go away from. Sort of like a safety net, but probably more like a good landing strip and launching pad. Something consistent that they could count on.
I think it is valuable to identify our intentions before we begin something. We can do nearly the same thing with different intentions so we must fine tune our actions to get to the exact intentions. When Julianna signed up for Junior High Band class, it was important to identify her (and our) intentions. Was she doing it for a nice social outlet with her peers? Did she want to learn to play the clarinet? Or did she learn the clarinet so she could learn to play Jazz Saxophone? Or was she trying to learn as many instruments as possible (violin, piano, clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone, flute etc.) Was she trying to become known? Did she want to be liked by the teacher, or the kids?
Sometimes, we might think that the action of playing in the band is the goal and the intentions seem like ulterior motives. But actually, the intention is the bulls eye of the goal and if the intentions are not met, we only came close to success.
At Yoga class, you may go through the same motions as every other person in the class, but one person's intention may be to increase flexability, while another's is to strengthen the core, and a third person's intention may be looking for balance.
We may make cookies to impress someone, to tell someone that we care for them, to indulge our craving, to trick our kids into eating something healthy (like zuchinni) or to spend some pleasant time with the kids. Our intention would help us determine what kind of cookie to make.
Now I see how important it is to identify our intentions, so that we can really truly succeed in our efforts. Sometimes, we may feel guilty thinking that our intentions are not noble. But to honestly admit our intentions, we will more likely meet our deepest needs.
What are intentions? They are different than goals, but similar. Often, it is said, having to do with goals, "Shoot for the stars and if you miss, you may end up on the moon." Implying that the moon might be a pretty good place to be since it is still higher than where we currently are. I see intentions as different than goals. With a goal, you take aim at the beginning, put in some power and see where you end up. With intentions, you start off the same way, but as you take stock along the way, you may change directions and add more power so that you don't stop until you finally get to where you intended to go.
Examples of intentions:
When Julianna needed to wear a white top and black bottom to the band concert, and she didn't have a white shirt that she cared to wear, we set our intention to get her a white shirt she would want to wear to the band concert. When we left the house, we set a goal to go to a certain store and get a white shirt. When we got there and learned that they didn't have a white shirt she really wanted to wear, we could say that we landed on the moon (they did have white shirts, just not ones she cared to wear). However, we continued on to meet our intention. We went to another store. We did find a white top she loved to wear. While our goal was not to spend too much on the top for the band concert, the intention was to get one that she wanted to wear before the band concert that night. We had to put more money toward it than we first thought, but we met our intention. If we had tried to wait until the shirt went on sale, she would not have had it for the band concert, and we would have missed our intention.
Whenever you get into the shower, you set your intentions. If you just finished lacrosse practice and you need to be at a Solo & Ensemble performance in less than 30 minutes, you set your intentions, and you will not run out of hot water. If you have just been skiing and dinner won't be ready for 45 minutes, you might.
When Julianna asked to have her hair cut, I carefully checked out her intentions. Do you want it shorter so it will dry faster, or so it is not so heavy? Do you want to donate the hair to Locks of Love? Will you want it to go into a ponytail? Do you want to wear it curly or straight? She wanted to donate it, cut it now, and have it long enough to go into a pony tail. There wasn't much difference in the minimum length to get it into a ponytail, and the amount that had to be cut off so she could donate the hair. We carefully planned and placed her hair into small ponytails and examined it and tried pulling it back toward a ponytail, before we ever cut any hair. Due to my lack of hair cutting expertise, I ended up cutting her hair intermittantly for almost 6 hours. While I was sorry that she had to sit through that, I didn't stop until I felt we had met her intentions. And I promised that if I was wrong and we actually hadn't met her intentions, we would come back and adjust the cut more later if necessary.
So, we set our intentions daily and even hourly. But we also can set intentions for the week and the year or maybe even more. I identified 3 intentions that Rick and I set for this year. 1. Feed the Lean in our bodies. 2. Become more strong and healthy. 3. Provide a stable home for the children to come to and go away from. Sort of like a safety net, but probably more like a good landing strip and launching pad. Something consistent that they could count on.
I think it is valuable to identify our intentions before we begin something. We can do nearly the same thing with different intentions so we must fine tune our actions to get to the exact intentions. When Julianna signed up for Junior High Band class, it was important to identify her (and our) intentions. Was she doing it for a nice social outlet with her peers? Did she want to learn to play the clarinet? Or did she learn the clarinet so she could learn to play Jazz Saxophone? Or was she trying to learn as many instruments as possible (violin, piano, clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone, flute etc.) Was she trying to become known? Did she want to be liked by the teacher, or the kids?
Sometimes, we might think that the action of playing in the band is the goal and the intentions seem like ulterior motives. But actually, the intention is the bulls eye of the goal and if the intentions are not met, we only came close to success.
At Yoga class, you may go through the same motions as every other person in the class, but one person's intention may be to increase flexability, while another's is to strengthen the core, and a third person's intention may be looking for balance.
We may make cookies to impress someone, to tell someone that we care for them, to indulge our craving, to trick our kids into eating something healthy (like zuchinni) or to spend some pleasant time with the kids. Our intention would help us determine what kind of cookie to make.
Now I see how important it is to identify our intentions, so that we can really truly succeed in our efforts. Sometimes, we may feel guilty thinking that our intentions are not noble. But to honestly admit our intentions, we will more likely meet our deepest needs.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Mothers in My Life (and What they Taught me)
My definition of a Mother is someone who loves you, teaches you, and helps you grow.
My Mother. Mother of 5 . Practiced on 4 before she got to me.
---She gave me space to grow and approval.
My older Sister. Apprentice mother. Nearly 12 years older and getting her experience with me.
---She taught me to schedule my time and my work.
Margene Knowlton. My Music Mother. My children's Music Grandmother.
---She said, "No one needs a music lesson more than someone who hasn't practiced this week."
---She knew that, "If you don't quit, you will eventually become a musician."
---I should have learned to practice at the same time every day.
My Young Women Leaders. Women with experience and Grace.
---They taught me that someone who was not in my family could love me.
---They showed me the beautiful variety in women.
Josephine Holbrook. Owner of Brooks Fabrics, my first real employer.
---She said she was "mean"....but she really wasn't.
---Because of her, I majored in Fashion Merchandising in College.
Marie Hafen. Mother of 7 young children... and of Ricks College.
---I learned, "If at first you don't succeed, Get some help."
---She taught me how to clean a house.
---I should have learned how to assign Saturday's work to the children.
Shara-Dee Seiter. Mother of 10 children (all older than mine)... and a ward.
---She taught me that it is possible to be a mother to a large family.
LaNae Knudsen. No older than me, but knowledgable about homemaking....And a friend.
---She showed me how to Bake Bread. (She tried to teach me to make freezer jam and frozen corn)
---She took me to Homemaking night every month.
I can't help but note the lack of a Grandmother listed here. One of my grandmothers died before I was born. The other lived until after my first daughter was born but she didn't live near me. I often wondered, when I called her, if she would know who was calling.
My life for the past 15 years has been amazingly void of new mothers. Maybe that would explain my empty,"homesick" feeling.
It's not that I haven't been looking for mothers. I looked anywhere I could find a group of older women with more experience than I have. I looked in the Utah Symphony Youth Guild Board, and the South Davis Garden Club. I have found wonderfully capable women who know a lot. But with encounters only an hour or two once a month, where other business is going on, a mothering relationship has not grown.
Who are some of your mothers? Have you told them thanks and that you love them?
My Mother. Mother of 5 . Practiced on 4 before she got to me.
---She gave me space to grow and approval.
My older Sister. Apprentice mother. Nearly 12 years older and getting her experience with me.
---She taught me to schedule my time and my work.
Margene Knowlton. My Music Mother. My children's Music Grandmother.
---She said, "No one needs a music lesson more than someone who hasn't practiced this week."
---She knew that, "If you don't quit, you will eventually become a musician."
---I should have learned to practice at the same time every day.
My Young Women Leaders. Women with experience and Grace.
---They taught me that someone who was not in my family could love me.
---They showed me the beautiful variety in women.
Josephine Holbrook. Owner of Brooks Fabrics, my first real employer.
---She said she was "mean"....but she really wasn't.
---Because of her, I majored in Fashion Merchandising in College.
Marie Hafen. Mother of 7 young children... and of Ricks College.
---I learned, "If at first you don't succeed, Get some help."
---She taught me how to clean a house.
---I should have learned how to assign Saturday's work to the children.
Shara-Dee Seiter. Mother of 10 children (all older than mine)... and a ward.
---She taught me that it is possible to be a mother to a large family.
LaNae Knudsen. No older than me, but knowledgable about homemaking....And a friend.
---She showed me how to Bake Bread. (She tried to teach me to make freezer jam and frozen corn)
---She took me to Homemaking night every month.
I can't help but note the lack of a Grandmother listed here. One of my grandmothers died before I was born. The other lived until after my first daughter was born but she didn't live near me. I often wondered, when I called her, if she would know who was calling.
My life for the past 15 years has been amazingly void of new mothers. Maybe that would explain my empty,"homesick" feeling.
It's not that I haven't been looking for mothers. I looked anywhere I could find a group of older women with more experience than I have. I looked in the Utah Symphony Youth Guild Board, and the South Davis Garden Club. I have found wonderfully capable women who know a lot. But with encounters only an hour or two once a month, where other business is going on, a mothering relationship has not grown.
Who are some of your mothers? Have you told them thanks and that you love them?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Garden Club Helps Things Grow
The Women of the South Davis Garden Club are my "mothers". Mary Sue Bishop mentioned yesterday how the "Mother" in us makes us nurturers. The reason they garden is becuase they like to help things grow. She said that every year she gets the "after Christmas blues" that last until she starts looking at her seed catelogs. But when she carefully places one tiny seed in each of hundreds of small cells of dirt in her livingroom each early spring, and waters them with a spray bottle, and keeps them warm (but not too warm) until they sprout, she feels the excitement of new life. These ladies are so willing to share the things they have learned through their experiences to help those of us with less experience have more successes and less failures.
Its funny how, like mothers of children, these women emphasize common sense and taking into account the individual differences of each plant or seed when they talk about gardening. But where do we get that "common sense"? Most of these women talk of someone who taught them in the beginning like their mother or father. And the other source of "common sense" seems to be talking to each other about what mistakes they have made, problems they have had, and successes that have worked well.
They say that as you grow things, you will get a feel for how things are supposed to be, just like baking cookies. All of this fits together. They are suggesting that in baking cookies, raising children, and growing plants, you do things in combination over and over. Sometimes your combination works well, sometimes not so well. When it doesn't work so well, it isn't too serious because you'll get another chance at it. When it does work well, pay attention and do it the same again. Lucille Johnson, popular author and lecturer is quoted as saying, "If your a good mother 60% of the time, you're a good mother."
In raising our children, thank goodness we don't have to start without "recipies" for success. Our church leaders give us recipes for successful families alot. Do we follow them as faithfully as we do the recipes for the foods we cook? And we have an inside look at what our parents did to help our family grow. Did it work well? If so, do the same things. If not, you know at least one thing to avoid. Let's pay attention.
Last of all, why are we willing to share our failures in raising plants, but we try to keep our failures at raising children secret. Why are we ashamed? Are we so proud that we want everyone to think we never make mistakes? That is dishonest. Or are we lacking in faith that, despite our mistakes, it will all work out in the end.
I knew a mother who once said, "It's too bad that children aren't like pancakes and you can throw away the first batch." But I am glad that children are better than pancakes. They are resillient. Even if we parents make mistakes in raising them, given time, they turn out pretty good.
I love what the Bountiful City gardener, Marque Randall, says, "Don't worry so much about your plants. They WANT to grow." I think that is true with children too.
It gives me hope as I raise my family and as I try to grow plants.
Its funny how, like mothers of children, these women emphasize common sense and taking into account the individual differences of each plant or seed when they talk about gardening. But where do we get that "common sense"? Most of these women talk of someone who taught them in the beginning like their mother or father. And the other source of "common sense" seems to be talking to each other about what mistakes they have made, problems they have had, and successes that have worked well.
They say that as you grow things, you will get a feel for how things are supposed to be, just like baking cookies. All of this fits together. They are suggesting that in baking cookies, raising children, and growing plants, you do things in combination over and over. Sometimes your combination works well, sometimes not so well. When it doesn't work so well, it isn't too serious because you'll get another chance at it. When it does work well, pay attention and do it the same again. Lucille Johnson, popular author and lecturer is quoted as saying, "If your a good mother 60% of the time, you're a good mother."
In raising our children, thank goodness we don't have to start without "recipies" for success. Our church leaders give us recipes for successful families alot. Do we follow them as faithfully as we do the recipes for the foods we cook? And we have an inside look at what our parents did to help our family grow. Did it work well? If so, do the same things. If not, you know at least one thing to avoid. Let's pay attention.
Last of all, why are we willing to share our failures in raising plants, but we try to keep our failures at raising children secret. Why are we ashamed? Are we so proud that we want everyone to think we never make mistakes? That is dishonest. Or are we lacking in faith that, despite our mistakes, it will all work out in the end.
I knew a mother who once said, "It's too bad that children aren't like pancakes and you can throw away the first batch." But I am glad that children are better than pancakes. They are resillient. Even if we parents make mistakes in raising them, given time, they turn out pretty good.
I love what the Bountiful City gardener, Marque Randall, says, "Don't worry so much about your plants. They WANT to grow." I think that is true with children too.
It gives me hope as I raise my family and as I try to grow plants.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Being Different
In a comment on my last post, Marie asked about raising kids that are OK with being different. But she pointed out about how they don't want to be too different. Her question was tied into raising homeschool kids where public school education is the norm.
This particular question was having to do with teen age kids.
The truth about teenagers is that they want to be different! They celebrate their individuality! However, they keep their individuality within limits. Their clothing is a way of expressing their individuality. They would never want to wear twinner clothing with someone else-- yet they would never want to wear pioneer clothes or even things that were in style 5 years ago.
The reason that they express their individuality within limits, is that they also want to be tied into a group. The idea is to be similar but not the same.
Even a Public schooled child, while he attends school in the same building as everyone else, knows that he is not the same or even similar to all the other students. Nor does he want to be. At public schools, there are groups: the athletes, the musicians, the druggies, the nerds, the drama geeks. Often a student doesn't cross the line from one group to another. And never wants to.
A homeschooler can feel that they are totally different from the public school kids if they have no tie with the public school kids. But there are other (and may I say, better) ways to build bridges than going to school in the same building all day with the public school kids. Our job, as parents of homeschool kids, is to create a "group" in the family at home that they are happy to be a part of. Also, to form ties with other homeschool families so that the child doesn't feel like he is one who is homeschooled compared to a million who are public schooled. And lastly, we need to form ties between our homeschool children and their public school counterparts based on the child's interests outside of school. If a child plays on an athletic team with others, it makes no difference what school they go to. If they have a dance class or drama class with others, again it makes no difference what school they go to. Friends from work seldom care what school the other kids go to. And these days, a student can attend some classes that interest them (including LDS Seminary) and it doesn't really matter whether they are in the same math, english or other classes. High school and Jr. High are organized such that none of the public school kids are together all day, and so why would they care if the homeschool student is in the same building or not. Although it sometimes seems strange to learn about homeschooling, kids are good at getting used to new things.
I think there is one thing that kids do care about. Not where someone learns or goes to school, but whether they are social and pleasant to be around, and happy and fun. A good sense of humor goes a long way toward making other kids want to be around someone.
My conclusion: Kids are not afraid of being different. They are only afraid of not being accepted by others. Lets help them get enough good experiences with other kids so they will be confident that they will be accepted and liked when they associate with other kids.
This particular question was having to do with teen age kids.
The truth about teenagers is that they want to be different! They celebrate their individuality! However, they keep their individuality within limits. Their clothing is a way of expressing their individuality. They would never want to wear twinner clothing with someone else-- yet they would never want to wear pioneer clothes or even things that were in style 5 years ago.
The reason that they express their individuality within limits, is that they also want to be tied into a group. The idea is to be similar but not the same.
Even a Public schooled child, while he attends school in the same building as everyone else, knows that he is not the same or even similar to all the other students. Nor does he want to be. At public schools, there are groups: the athletes, the musicians, the druggies, the nerds, the drama geeks. Often a student doesn't cross the line from one group to another. And never wants to.
A homeschooler can feel that they are totally different from the public school kids if they have no tie with the public school kids. But there are other (and may I say, better) ways to build bridges than going to school in the same building all day with the public school kids. Our job, as parents of homeschool kids, is to create a "group" in the family at home that they are happy to be a part of. Also, to form ties with other homeschool families so that the child doesn't feel like he is one who is homeschooled compared to a million who are public schooled. And lastly, we need to form ties between our homeschool children and their public school counterparts based on the child's interests outside of school. If a child plays on an athletic team with others, it makes no difference what school they go to. If they have a dance class or drama class with others, again it makes no difference what school they go to. Friends from work seldom care what school the other kids go to. And these days, a student can attend some classes that interest them (including LDS Seminary) and it doesn't really matter whether they are in the same math, english or other classes. High school and Jr. High are organized such that none of the public school kids are together all day, and so why would they care if the homeschool student is in the same building or not. Although it sometimes seems strange to learn about homeschooling, kids are good at getting used to new things.
I think there is one thing that kids do care about. Not where someone learns or goes to school, but whether they are social and pleasant to be around, and happy and fun. A good sense of humor goes a long way toward making other kids want to be around someone.
My conclusion: Kids are not afraid of being different. They are only afraid of not being accepted by others. Lets help them get enough good experiences with other kids so they will be confident that they will be accepted and liked when they associate with other kids.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Kindergarten
Of my 7 children, 5 attended Kindergarten.
It is interesting how we adults foster a child's excitement to go to kindergarten. Any time an adult speaks to a small child, their first question is, "How old are you?" and the second question always is related to school. For instance, "What grade are you in?" and "Do you like your teacher?".
The five year old's question is, "Are you in Kindergarten?" and if not then we ask, "Are you excited for kindergarten?". Can you recognize the wonder and excitement in the adult's voice as they ask that question about Kindergarten?
The child has probably never seen kindergarten and knows nothing of it, but if they are asking the question like that, I must be.
If the child did not go to preschool, this would be the first time that Mom makes such a big "to do" about preparing for something other than vacation. She spends at least the month before school starts buying back packs and special clothes, and the week before going to bed early in preparation for this special event. Even Birthdays don't get this much attention.
On the first day of school, Mom helps the child get ready for school. All the time, the talk is about how much fun it is going to be. And when we arrive, we see a classroom filled with child size things and lots of colors and many potential friends. That is unless the child has had little experience with others his age, in which case the other children can seem like potential competition or potential bullies etc.
Mom may be truely excited to get some time away from this child who has been her constant companion for 5 years, or she may feel sad to leave one of her best friends who has so much shared history. Either way, she has been assured that this is the best place for her little one.
Once Mom is gone, it is time for the learning to begin. What do they learn? They learn to wait their turn. Raise their hand. Don't bother others. Wait in line. If you need something, ask to see if you can have it. Be quiet. I think the biggest thing my children learned in Kindergarten was that they could get along without Mom, at least for a while.
They are already supposed to know their alphabet, how to write and cut and color, and how to read at least some words. The real learning is to find out how much you know or don't know compared to the kids around you and who you can depend on to tell you things you don't know. And we have "show and tell" so we can compare what other kids our age have and do that we don't have or do.
I still have kind feelings for Hailee, the new best friend my Emily found when she went to kindergarten 15 years ago. Emily would get a paper handed out, and look at it and ask Hailee what to do with it. Hailee would give her all the instructions. I am not sure Emily learned anything in Kindergarten except from Hailee. And I give thanks for the many unnamed children who's parents taught them to be compassionate to other children who were hurting.
Oh, and that other important person at kindergarten. That teacher! She was so pretty and with such a happy face, or she was a grandma who had perspective about how special children are, or the young mother who really did love children..... Except for the teacher who was there just to get the last few years in before retirement. Or the one who got put there because she wasn't very good teaching the important subjects in the higher grades. And if she is grumpy, we Moms tell our children that they must take it with a grain of salt, or forgive them, or just realize that they just have a loud voice, and keep going. Talk about instruction on how to "turn the other cheek".
I love the real meaning of the word Kindergarten: a garden of children. But, as JP pointed out, the garden that school creates is a formal English garden with everything all in an ordered row. I love the French garden that encourages things to grow where they are planted. A garden where the beauty of things is highlighted by it's contrast to other things around it. By putting the children of the same age together, we instead compare who is tallest, who is shortest, who is best at sports, who is best at math, who is best at coloring. We never try to compare a tree to a bush or a flower and notice that the tree is taller.
I find joy in my garden of children, watching my 17 year old son play with my 8 year old son. I don't compare their ablilities. I realize how much more potential for learning my 8 year old has in watching his 17 year old brother than he has in emulating 25 other 8 year olds. And I know that when my 17 year old becomes a father, he will know so much more about children than his counterparts who attended 15 years of school with people of their same age. He will also have had so much more practice at being kind to others who may not be his equal.
It is interesting how we adults foster a child's excitement to go to kindergarten. Any time an adult speaks to a small child, their first question is, "How old are you?" and the second question always is related to school. For instance, "What grade are you in?" and "Do you like your teacher?".
The five year old's question is, "Are you in Kindergarten?" and if not then we ask, "Are you excited for kindergarten?". Can you recognize the wonder and excitement in the adult's voice as they ask that question about Kindergarten?
The child has probably never seen kindergarten and knows nothing of it, but if they are asking the question like that, I must be.
If the child did not go to preschool, this would be the first time that Mom makes such a big "to do" about preparing for something other than vacation. She spends at least the month before school starts buying back packs and special clothes, and the week before going to bed early in preparation for this special event. Even Birthdays don't get this much attention.
On the first day of school, Mom helps the child get ready for school. All the time, the talk is about how much fun it is going to be. And when we arrive, we see a classroom filled with child size things and lots of colors and many potential friends. That is unless the child has had little experience with others his age, in which case the other children can seem like potential competition or potential bullies etc.
Mom may be truely excited to get some time away from this child who has been her constant companion for 5 years, or she may feel sad to leave one of her best friends who has so much shared history. Either way, she has been assured that this is the best place for her little one.
Once Mom is gone, it is time for the learning to begin. What do they learn? They learn to wait their turn. Raise their hand. Don't bother others. Wait in line. If you need something, ask to see if you can have it. Be quiet. I think the biggest thing my children learned in Kindergarten was that they could get along without Mom, at least for a while.
They are already supposed to know their alphabet, how to write and cut and color, and how to read at least some words. The real learning is to find out how much you know or don't know compared to the kids around you and who you can depend on to tell you things you don't know. And we have "show and tell" so we can compare what other kids our age have and do that we don't have or do.
I still have kind feelings for Hailee, the new best friend my Emily found when she went to kindergarten 15 years ago. Emily would get a paper handed out, and look at it and ask Hailee what to do with it. Hailee would give her all the instructions. I am not sure Emily learned anything in Kindergarten except from Hailee. And I give thanks for the many unnamed children who's parents taught them to be compassionate to other children who were hurting.
Oh, and that other important person at kindergarten. That teacher! She was so pretty and with such a happy face, or she was a grandma who had perspective about how special children are, or the young mother who really did love children..... Except for the teacher who was there just to get the last few years in before retirement. Or the one who got put there because she wasn't very good teaching the important subjects in the higher grades. And if she is grumpy, we Moms tell our children that they must take it with a grain of salt, or forgive them, or just realize that they just have a loud voice, and keep going. Talk about instruction on how to "turn the other cheek".
I love the real meaning of the word Kindergarten: a garden of children. But, as JP pointed out, the garden that school creates is a formal English garden with everything all in an ordered row. I love the French garden that encourages things to grow where they are planted. A garden where the beauty of things is highlighted by it's contrast to other things around it. By putting the children of the same age together, we instead compare who is tallest, who is shortest, who is best at sports, who is best at math, who is best at coloring. We never try to compare a tree to a bush or a flower and notice that the tree is taller.
I find joy in my garden of children, watching my 17 year old son play with my 8 year old son. I don't compare their ablilities. I realize how much more potential for learning my 8 year old has in watching his 17 year old brother than he has in emulating 25 other 8 year olds. And I know that when my 17 year old becomes a father, he will know so much more about children than his counterparts who attended 15 years of school with people of their same age. He will also have had so much more practice at being kind to others who may not be his equal.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Experiential Education
I was reading the post in JP and Marie's blog where they were talking about their home school ideas. I liked their 3 H's.
I was thinking about our home school and, at least for now, I think my best description of our style home school is Experiential Education.
I asked Marie for a description or definition of Experiential Education. She said that Learning takes place through our experiences and the teacher facilitates recognizing the learning. (Not exactly.... Marie, Help me with this....It was too long ago).
We know that we were put on the earth to get a body. We also know that we came to the earth to learn. When we were in the pre-earth life as spirits, we were learning and developing our identities. Now, on the earth, we can use our bodies that we didn't have before to facilitate learning. We call that learning, "experience".
There are many forms of experiential learning. I am looking for as many examples as I can find. Feel free to comment and add more examples of experiential learning.
Cooking. Talk about cooking all you want, but realy cook it and you will know a lot more.
Swimming. Have you ever tried to learn to swim by watching someone else, or reading a book about it? It is a skill everyone should have. Swimming is an example of many sports skills but is the one we are focusing on this year.
Relationship skills. The more you try to relate to others, the better you get at it. And there is nothing like putting your foot in your mouth that will teach you what not to do.
Music skills. It is impossible to become a musician without experience with music. Listening and Practicing. Making mistakes and training our bodies to do what creates music to the ear.
I believe all facts that we may be taught at school are more easily learned when they relate to our experiences. For instance Travel is a better way to learn about countries than reading books and memorizing facts. Just ask Emily.
I think our bodies are ideally suited to facilitate real, long term, meaningful learning. And learning things in an integrated environment where things relate to other things helps us learn.
Marilyn
I was thinking about our home school and, at least for now, I think my best description of our style home school is Experiential Education.
I asked Marie for a description or definition of Experiential Education. She said that Learning takes place through our experiences and the teacher facilitates recognizing the learning. (Not exactly.... Marie, Help me with this....It was too long ago).
We know that we were put on the earth to get a body. We also know that we came to the earth to learn. When we were in the pre-earth life as spirits, we were learning and developing our identities. Now, on the earth, we can use our bodies that we didn't have before to facilitate learning. We call that learning, "experience".
There are many forms of experiential learning. I am looking for as many examples as I can find. Feel free to comment and add more examples of experiential learning.
Cooking. Talk about cooking all you want, but realy cook it and you will know a lot more.
Swimming. Have you ever tried to learn to swim by watching someone else, or reading a book about it? It is a skill everyone should have. Swimming is an example of many sports skills but is the one we are focusing on this year.
Relationship skills. The more you try to relate to others, the better you get at it. And there is nothing like putting your foot in your mouth that will teach you what not to do.
Music skills. It is impossible to become a musician without experience with music. Listening and Practicing. Making mistakes and training our bodies to do what creates music to the ear.
I believe all facts that we may be taught at school are more easily learned when they relate to our experiences. For instance Travel is a better way to learn about countries than reading books and memorizing facts. Just ask Emily.
I think our bodies are ideally suited to facilitate real, long term, meaningful learning. And learning things in an integrated environment where things relate to other things helps us learn.
Marilyn
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Talents
I have been thinking about Talents lately. I heard someone pray at church a few weeks ago, before a musical program, to "bless the people with talents that will perform". It hit me wrong. As it was, I was thinking about what good prayers this person said in public. I viewed him as talented in Praying as much as he viewed us as talented in Music..... But he spoke as if musicians were the only people "with talents".
Now, as much as I feel untalented in Praying, or teaching children at church, I am not excused from having to try to pray or teach. And I think that in church, even the "untalented" should participate in the music, by at least joining in singing the Congregational hymns.
So I have thought about the parable of the talents found in Matthew chapter 25. It says that the Lord gave his servants talents. Unto one he gave 5, to another 2 and to another 1.
My interpretation is that the Lord is God. That we are his servants. That He gave every servant at least 1 talent or gift. And since God is Good, he gives Good Gifts.
What are these good gifts that he has given at least some to everyone.
I think that the 1 talent which he gives to everyone is TIME; life on this earth, with 24 hours every day to do with as we will.
The parable says that the servant with the one talent who did nothing with the talent but buried it and waited for the Lord to return, was called slothful. After the parable of the talents he talks about good things to do with our time and life: Feed the Hungry, Clothe the Naked, etc.
To another servant, the Lord gave 2 talents. Some of us, besides receiving life on the earth and time, have also received favorable circumstances. That may be a comfortable living environment, security, safety, supportive parents, or money beyond that necessary to meet our basic needs, etc. which make development of special skills possible. If we receive 2 talents and fail to work to develope skills, we will also be considered unprofitable.
A special gift God can give us would be knowledge of what skills we could be succesful at developing.
We should consider it a gift or blessing from God when we are put in a situation where we can find a special person who has the skills that we want to develope and they are willing to teach us.
We should never confuse Talents with Skills. Too often, we say someone is Talented when what we really mean is that they are Skilled at doing something. Or that they have been well trained. That training comes from a lot of work, and perserverance, and not quitting. Remember the story of the person who said they would give their life if they could play the cello (or some other instruement) like Yo Yo Ma (or some other musician). And the Musician said, and what do you think I gave. Another gift God could also give us is joy as we work to train our skills.
And finally, these talents or skills that we all have, for music, or praying, or teaching, or leading, or speaking, etc. are for helping others, and not for ourselves. Just like a man with the Priesthood cannot give a blessing to himself, skills developed should be used to help others, not to make ourselves better.
Yo Yo Ma, when talking about the musicians of the Silk Road Project said they had Virtuosity and Generosity. They all did something Very Very Well, but they did not want to keep it to themselves. They wanted to share it and make the world a better place.
That is why God gives talents, so that people can develop many different skills to meet many different needs in the world and ultimately, while serving our fellow men, make the world a better place.
And when we have skills, and we are willing to help someone else who wants to develop that skill, we can be the gift that God wants to give to someone else.
Now, as much as I feel untalented in Praying, or teaching children at church, I am not excused from having to try to pray or teach. And I think that in church, even the "untalented" should participate in the music, by at least joining in singing the Congregational hymns.
So I have thought about the parable of the talents found in Matthew chapter 25. It says that the Lord gave his servants talents. Unto one he gave 5, to another 2 and to another 1.
My interpretation is that the Lord is God. That we are his servants. That He gave every servant at least 1 talent or gift. And since God is Good, he gives Good Gifts.
What are these good gifts that he has given at least some to everyone.
I think that the 1 talent which he gives to everyone is TIME; life on this earth, with 24 hours every day to do with as we will.
The parable says that the servant with the one talent who did nothing with the talent but buried it and waited for the Lord to return, was called slothful. After the parable of the talents he talks about good things to do with our time and life: Feed the Hungry, Clothe the Naked, etc.
To another servant, the Lord gave 2 talents. Some of us, besides receiving life on the earth and time, have also received favorable circumstances. That may be a comfortable living environment, security, safety, supportive parents, or money beyond that necessary to meet our basic needs, etc. which make development of special skills possible. If we receive 2 talents and fail to work to develope skills, we will also be considered unprofitable.
A special gift God can give us would be knowledge of what skills we could be succesful at developing.
We should consider it a gift or blessing from God when we are put in a situation where we can find a special person who has the skills that we want to develope and they are willing to teach us.
We should never confuse Talents with Skills. Too often, we say someone is Talented when what we really mean is that they are Skilled at doing something. Or that they have been well trained. That training comes from a lot of work, and perserverance, and not quitting. Remember the story of the person who said they would give their life if they could play the cello (or some other instruement) like Yo Yo Ma (or some other musician). And the Musician said, and what do you think I gave. Another gift God could also give us is joy as we work to train our skills.
And finally, these talents or skills that we all have, for music, or praying, or teaching, or leading, or speaking, etc. are for helping others, and not for ourselves. Just like a man with the Priesthood cannot give a blessing to himself, skills developed should be used to help others, not to make ourselves better.
Yo Yo Ma, when talking about the musicians of the Silk Road Project said they had Virtuosity and Generosity. They all did something Very Very Well, but they did not want to keep it to themselves. They wanted to share it and make the world a better place.
That is why God gives talents, so that people can develop many different skills to meet many different needs in the world and ultimately, while serving our fellow men, make the world a better place.
And when we have skills, and we are willing to help someone else who wants to develop that skill, we can be the gift that God wants to give to someone else.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
What Traditional School vs. Home-school Teaches:
I have children who attended Public school, and children who have been home schooled and children who have done a combination of the two.
This is my analysis of what is taught at public school and what home school teaches.
Listed first is what public school teaches and listed opposite it is what home school teaches.
Be on time to work-----Be responsible about how you spend your time
Do what Boss / Teacher says-------Make your own decisions
Be an employee-------------------Be Creative
--Go when they say “Go”------Work until you get to a logical stopping place
--Stop when they say “Stop”
--Do work to please or satisfy boss---Do work to please yourself
Deadlines----------------------------Give projects the time they need
--Take your work home with you or stay late
Learn to Leave the house----------Learn to Keep house
Sit unless allowed to move--------Move around at will
Be Quiet----------------------Talk, Communicate, Visit with others
Suppress your feelings and needs:---Listen to your feelings and needs
----Bathroom (not until the break-------Bathroom
-----between classes)
----Hunger (not until “lunch time”)-----Eat when you're hungry
----Energy (not until recess)--------------Energy
Study what they tell you to.------------Study what interests you.
----(leads to forgetting)------------------(leads to learning)
Associate only with-------Build long term relationships with Family.
those your own age.
-----------------------------Learn from people who know what you want:
-----------------------------Leads to cross generational interaction
Rush out the door.------------------Take time to care for body:
Often get less sleep than needed------------Sleep
--------------------------------------------------Shower
Often skip breakfast or eat on the run-----Eat
--------------------------------------------------Brush teeth
Ignore or against religion--------Teaches (passes on) religious faith.
---------------------------------------Plenty of time for:
-------------------------------------------Prayer
-------------------------------------------Scripture study
-------------------------------------------Teaching conversations
Rush, Hurry,-----------------Relax, I have been given the time I need
----I am so busy------------------- Everyone has 24 hours each day to---------------------------------------------use as they choose
This is my analysis of what is taught at public school and what home school teaches.
Listed first is what public school teaches and listed opposite it is what home school teaches.
Be on time to work-----Be responsible about how you spend your time
Do what Boss / Teacher says-------Make your own decisions
Be an employee-------------------Be Creative
--Go when they say “Go”------Work until you get to a logical stopping place
--Stop when they say “Stop”
--Do work to please or satisfy boss---Do work to please yourself
Deadlines----------------------------Give projects the time they need
--Take your work home with you or stay late
Learn to Leave the house----------Learn to Keep house
Sit unless allowed to move--------Move around at will
Be Quiet----------------------Talk, Communicate, Visit with others
Suppress your feelings and needs:---Listen to your feelings and needs
----Bathroom (not until the break-------Bathroom
-----between classes)
----Hunger (not until “lunch time”)-----Eat when you're hungry
----Energy (not until recess)--------------Energy
Study what they tell you to.------------Study what interests you.
----(leads to forgetting)------------------(leads to learning)
Associate only with-------Build long term relationships with Family.
those your own age.
-----------------------------Learn from people who know what you want:
-----------------------------Leads to cross generational interaction
Rush out the door.------------------Take time to care for body:
Often get less sleep than needed------------Sleep
--------------------------------------------------Shower
Often skip breakfast or eat on the run-----Eat
--------------------------------------------------Brush teeth
Ignore or against religion--------Teaches (passes on) religious faith.
---------------------------------------Plenty of time for:
-------------------------------------------Prayer
-------------------------------------------Scripture study
-------------------------------------------Teaching conversations
Rush, Hurry,-----------------Relax, I have been given the time I need
----I am so busy------------------- Everyone has 24 hours each day to---------------------------------------------use as they choose
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